Dependency

Jan 14, 2026 | By Sydney Scheller BR ‘26

Aristotle, in his Nicomachean Ethics, defines friendship broadly as “with respect to each other there is a mutual and recognised love, and those who love each other wish well to each other in that respect in which they love one another [1].” He outlines: 1) friendships of utility, 2) friendships of pleasure, and 3) friendships of virtue. In a friendship of utility, each party “loves for the sake of what is good for themselves.” When friends search after what is pleasurable for themselves, it is a friendship of pleasure. However, in a friendship of virtue, friends love each other for the very being that the other is. In their friend, they see shining back both the objective good and the good they see in themselves.

Probably, many of our close friendships do not fall into the category of a friendship of virtue. This is unsurprising. Aristotle’s definition is sanitised and has a detached tone that can come across as unrealistic. Friendships are messy and often brutally raw.

People rely on their friends to cheer them up, validate their joys, and perhaps manage their emotions. Aristotle’s definition fails to account for the intense dependency friendships have.

Is an observation of the status quo enough to throw out the wisdom of an intellectual giant such as Aristotle? Is it possible he had it right, and it would be better not to let our friendships be so messy and close? In this difficult world we live in, should we depend on our friends and let them depend on us?​

The answer to the prior question may ring resoundingly as a ‘yes’. So I will begin by outlining the argument for ‘no’.

The Risks of Dependency

​Generally, sacrifice is thought of as a good thing, specifically as the antithesis of selfishness. However, this conception can cause us to eagerly cast everything we hold dear upon the altar of ‘being helpful.’ We have to be very careful about discerning what should be sacrificed and for what purpose.

Often, what we call a sacrifice is merely something done out of order with regard to original priorities. It can be tempting to use the term ‘sacrifice’ to moralise what we want to do and procrastinate what we don’t. However, when we use our friend’s distress to justify getting out of a problem set, we don’t realise that we degrade our friendship into one of utility. Priorities exist for a good reason and should not be lightly shirked. Sacrifice must mean something to be a sacrifice.

Regardless, both friends share the same aim: to help the one struggling. However, a friendship helps most when it remains itself - stable, simple, and equal. Close friendships are already intensely intimate. Adding dependency to the mix can make it hard for even the most well-intentioned of friends to know how much they should or shouldn’t receive or offer. The nuances of the relationship can become confusing, and misunderstandings can arise on either side. It is easy for resentment or guilt to slip in—not out of malice, but out of the very closeness that makes the relationship so precious. In such vulnerable moments, it is unwise to put strain on a relationship that could otherwise offer support by remaining as is.

Furthermore, we should not overlook our ability to persevere through hard times by orienting ourselves towards the good, rather than dwelling on the bad. When you are going through a rough time, you should lean into virtuous friendships and the gifts you have in your life. If you ask your friend for constant support, even an Aristotelian friendship of virtue will turn into a friendship of utility.

When your friend carries too much of your burden for too long, it is difficult not to think of them as a solution more than a friend. This type of friendship of utility cannot provide the level of support that a virtuous friendship does. Rather, engaging with your friend as your independent equal provides you with the normalcy and stability that may be missing elsewhere.​

Lastly, unhappiness and bad times should not be thought of as a villain from whom we must save our friend. They are far more complex than simply being “bad.” Fear of being unhappy or not perfect can lead people to refuse to confront the fact that they need to grow. Dissatisfaction with your life (or your life being dissatisfied with you) indicates that you need something more. Rarely do people know what that is, either for themselves or for others. It is in the unexpected—the new friendship, hobby, or work ethic that opens you up to a whole other part of yourself you didn’t know existed—that you can find solace. If a friendship is merely a remedy for dissatisfaction or difficulty, your friendship becomes one of utility. Friendship should make both people grow in ways they never expected. Trying to twist the friendship to get what one wants out of it degrades the friendship and the individuals in the relationship.

The Necessity of Dependency

Now that we’ve seen the opposing side, let us hear from the defence. Why should you depend on your friends and permit your friends to depend on you?

Depending on a friend for a period of time does not automatically make you unhealthily dependent. People go through rough times, and that is normal. Fearing dependency or worrying that your friendship may temporarily lose its deeper, more enriching character are poor reasons to withhold support or to avoid asking for it.

When someone is going through a rough time, they aren’t able to be a ‘whole’ individual. To be friends, there must be two individuals. Your goal as a friend should be to help them return to being a whole individual, rather than limiting interactions to what remains of your friend. You will get more of your friend in the long term if you welcome them as a dependent rather than clinging to what little of them you have now. Similarly, if you are the one needing help, you should permit your friends to help you because you recognise that they love you precisely because you are you. When you aren’t wholly yourself, they want to help put you back together.

There is a conception that being ‘high-maintenance’ is a bad thing. However, friendships can, and are supposed to, withstand strains from such maintenance. If the relationship is truly virtuous, it wouldn’t be so fragile as to break just because you need a bit more support than would be sustainable long-term. Asking others to sacrifice for you is not a bad thing. That vulnerability is what relationships are built upon. There is nothing more human in the world than this interaction.

It is easy to sacrifice that final economics problem set when your friend is crying, and you were already looking for a good excuse not to do it. However, when you are the villain in the story, it becomes harder to share. On the side of the supporter, sometimes you just can’t listen right now because this problem set actually matters. What if you don’t want to ask for help or don’t want to help?

This is precisely what makes a sacrifice a sacrifice. If you want to do something anyway, it isn’t a sacrifice. Sacrifice occurs on both the part of the person who needs help and the person offering it. You grow as a person when you make true sacrifices - when you are at the end of your patience with your friend but listen anyway - when you are so ashamed of something you did, but you tell your friend anyway. Unhappiness comes from a need to grow, and your friendships are precisely the place to help you do that.

Lastly, dependency is not an option – it is reality. Relationality and dependency are embedded in the fabric of reality. When you pass someone sobbing on the street, you hurt alongside them and feel guilty if you keep going. It seems a mandate of human nature that when a person is in pain or needs help, you have a moral obligation to help them because you are a human. Your decision is whether to be in accordance with the fabric of reality or futilely fight against it.

Discernment

Given these two viewpoints, what do we do when our friend needs to depend on us, or we need to depend on them? Both people in the friendship want their friend, themselves, and the relationship to thrive long-term. However, preventing ego, fear, and guilt from gaining undue influence over decisions we make about those we love requires vigilance – one that arises from love. As such, all discernment must be grounded in love.

Sacrifice should be genuine and unselfish. Using friends in need to satisfy an overexcitement to abandon responsibilities like schoolwork makes otherwise virtuous friendships into ones of utility. The goal of both friends should be to make each other grow. Sometimes this means giving space: permitting yourself to work, and your friend to be in pain for a time – no matter how much it may grieve you.

Aristotle warns against such messy friendships because there is a beautiful dignity to a friendship with clear boundaries. That friendship behaving normally in an otherwise turbulent world may be what holds a person together while all else is falling apart. Dragging this relationship into the muck, too, by being dependent on your friend, does nothing more than remove the potential final holdout of dignity. Presence, distraction, and normalcy are often exactly what you need - no more, no less.

At the same time, you shouldn’t shirk from the responsibility you have to help your friend. Life is messy, as are people. To engage with each other on any meaningful level, friendships have to delve into the aforementioned muck. Dependency puts a strain on healthy relationships, but it acts as a check to ensure this state doesn’t become permanent. We must trust that our friendships are strong enough to survive the pressure we put them under in times of need. While we should strive for steeled friendships of virtue, maintaining one long-term may require it to fall into the furnace of friendship of utility for a time. Often, this tempers the relationship.

Friends want to help each other. They want each other to be happy. A friend cannot sit idly by watching you suffer. Nor could you bear to know your friend did nothing in your time of need. Friends should sacrifice and help each other grow through pain, especially when neither wants to. This kind of mutual vulnerability and costly love is where real intimacy forms. ​

Humans must depend on each other. Society is built upon networks of such dependencies – parent and child, friend to friend. While disordered dependency exists, healthy dependency is not merely unavoidable but essential.

[1] Aristotle. Nicomachean Ethics. Translated by W. D. Ross, Oxford University Press, 2009.